We Came As Romans: A Very Bitchy Band Review

I’m going to be brutally honest and admit that I am the Paula Abdul of Metalheads. That I refer to this simple fact as “brutally honest” is a testament to it’s validity. Sometimes it is in the best interest of the artists to provide some constructive criticism, and not meaningless praise. And sometimes it’s just fun to be a bitch to a band that you despise. And after hours of plunging the unknown, fathomless depths of the internet, I finally found some Metal that I dislike. Even Metalcore is a guilty pleasure, so this took a pretty long time. Here are my not-so-nice thoughts on We Came As Romans.

First of all, I’m going to re-inforce my previous assertion that I’m too nice, by saying that I don’t even hate them that much. I enjoy Owl City, for whom I accidentally mistook WCAR when they played on the radio. My immediate reaction was “When did they decide to keep the auto-tune but replace the rest with screams?” And, for better or for worse, the screams are actually pretty damn good. However, you can still make out the lyrics, so they’re not good enough. Even if they were, their brutality is instantly neutralized by the high pitched auto-tune singing that is annoyingly catchy. They leave me in a wierd, Purgatory-esque no-mans-land between Pop and Metal that keeps me perplexed. I think that I might even like it despite myself. BUT THERE’S NO WAY TO BE SURE.

Okay, so I guess the music is tolerable if you need some background noise while you do mindless manual labor. But bands aren’t just about the sound; they have lyrics, music videos, album covers, etc. Let’s start with the song titles. They are so mind-numbingly pretentious that it actually makes me angry. “Roads That Never End And Views That Never Cease”? Ugh. I wrote better lines when I was going through my Emo phase in Middle School. The rest of the song titles sound like propoganda jingles for the Green Party, or at least some corny Earth-Day theme song. “Planting A Seed,” “Understanding What We’ve Grown To Be”, “To Move On Is To Grow”, so on and so forth. I tried to muscle my way through some music videos, but I could only survive two of them. I realized I would rather give myself a battery-acid manicure than endure any more of thier corny shenanigans. At least then I wouldn’t be bored.

Ok. Let me spare you the torment of actually watching the music videos, and just let you know that they basically look like the most garden-variety homecoming dance you’ve ever seen. The audience doesn’t even headbang. They just fist-pump. And the band members have the most annoying facial hair that looks like it’s been drawn on with eyeliner.

OUCH. Pot calling the kettle black. Ok, I’m not all that invested in my hatred, so I won’t even bother talking about the awful lyrics and album art. That would require some effort on my part. Besides, at the end of the day, at least it’s not Ke$ha. Two stars outta five.